I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
