please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
