You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
