now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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