I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
