drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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