I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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