the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
