There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Randomize
