So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
