Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
