You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
