Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
