Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
