This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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