You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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