Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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