Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Randomize