walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
