she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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