So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
