I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
