My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
