Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
