Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
