my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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