my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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