It's a beautiful day for a hangover
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
