My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
