There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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