my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
