My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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