You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
