If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
