I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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