Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
