somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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