You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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