just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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