Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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