I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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