mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
