My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
