Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
