glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
