yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Let's get the cat blown out
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
