totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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