so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize