Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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