Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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