I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Damn victory sex feels great
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
