I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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