So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
