I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
