well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
