I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
