He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
