i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
