I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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