You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i just had sex bonerless
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
