last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
