There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
