I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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