The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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