Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
