Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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